financial zen

So I’ve been writing about this post.

In my own way – I see that we all have deep seeded desires for our children’s future. We recognize that money can be an issue when it comes to something they want (and we want them to experience). We can do so much for them outside the realms of finance by simply listening to them, and guiding them to the best of our abilities. They are lumps of clay rolling down a hill, and we get to shape them a little bit, and guide them down the right path, but there are forks in the road.

I worry that some parents may focus too much on what they want and expect of their child, that it then stresses their child out. I’m not saying “take no interest” or “obsesses over your child” in any length of the word – I’m saying support your child. Celebrate their successes.

Let them fall, and show them how to better pick themselves up again. There will be times in life when you see that they’re going down a rough patch and “if they’d only just listen to you.” You realize you sound like your parents now, right?

It’s not about telling them what to do or how to do it. It’s about your kids needing to experience it for themselves – maybe they’ll succeed where you failed (or thought they’d fail). Maybe they’ll fail where you thought they’d succeed – the only way to know for sure is to let them live their lives when they need to – and let them know that no matter what you’ll always thinking of them – even when they think you’re just not thinking of their best interests.

Parenting, it’s… it is its own beast. I look forward to the future little Zens, but I also know how much heartbreak I’m in for! Best of luck to all parents out there – I know you’re trying, and I hope your little ones surprise you.

This is a continuation of an earlier post.

Trent (from The Simple Dollar) wrote an article about personal finance and education of children that really got me going. Please check out my last entry to catch up!

Benefits of an Earlier Emphasis on Educational Spending:
There are a lot of assumptions here, and I hate seeing people set their kids up for success – in their mind. They send their kids to the “right” schools, they travel, they pursue their child’s interests… but then their child isn’t so bright. He’s not a straight A student. His interests are more outside the norm, or maybe he talks about how nice it would be to work at a factory – doing good, honest work, getting dirty – instead of pursuing your well laid out plan to send him to Harvard Law (or maybe to study literature, who knows?).
This is a double-edged sword. All the factors can help – or they can do nothing except make you put unrealistic pressure on your child. He may feel your sense of urgency and need for him to succeed, and no child deserves that kind of pressure.
A co-worker mentioned to me about kids – remember when, growing up, you were told to sit still and be quiet, because that’s what good kids do? That’s an outright lie. That’s what good adults do. Good kids play, they have fun, they learn to explore and test their limits – be it singing, figuring out stuff for themselves, digging through books (or digging in the earth). The point is – good kids do these things and make sure their parents know about it.

Think Different:
After all this, I love the wrap up. Trent and his wife contribute to a 529 plan AND a special savings fund. They’re thinking about the little one’s future. Writing is a flowing process, and it seems he and his wife have a great grip on what to look forward to – they may need to tap into this money to send their kids to Europe for a summer camp. Maybe buy a piano. Maybe make their desire to go to a private school come to fruition. The point is – the money will be there, should we need it.

Coming up… wrap up!

Trent at The Simple Dollar wrote an interesting article – one that got me thinking quite a bit that I’m going to split this out over a few days.

Is there too much emphasis on saving when we discuss children’s education and personal finance?

He lists a few “overlooked opportunities” that, in my opinion, are a little too general.

High Quality Day Care and Preschool, Private School: I’m a firm believer that your child has to want to succeed in order to succeed (read Freakonomics yet?). You dropping $20k to put them in the best schools won’t make them want to learn anymore than you did when you were younger.
It’s understandable. You want the best. You recognize your squandered youth, and all of your missed opportunities – but it starts sounding like the parent forcing the child to be what they were (or weren’t) growing up. The former high school football player who forces his kid to play. The mother that puts her daughter in every beauty pageant. You want your kids to succeed, but you can only do so much! You can set them up, but they’re the ones that have ot make those decisions.

Now, it’s possible that starting them on the right foot helps. Say – put them in the nice preschool/daycare that costs a little extra. Ask them what they want to do. Keep their wants and desires in mind. They may have the choice of going to High school A or B or Private School C. They may surprise you and choose B – and succeed, go to Harvard on scholarship, and cure Cancer (I’m just sayin’). Thinking that if you don’t drop a large amount of cash to get them into C won’t make them worse off.

Educational Opportunities:
This is the one section that made me second guess his logic behind his thinking. Trent starts to relate on all the things he missed out on growing up – because of money. All the things he missed out on, all the opportunities – are his parent’s fault. I know that is me digging into the psychoanalysis of the situation, but when you start to relate your childhood – you need to think about where you are today, and what was really the benefit?
Having said that – I also feel for him. I work non-stop, I’m in school full-time, and I’m not stopping. I’ve got plans laid out, I’m establishing contacts to lay out my future a little better – so I can be a better provider for my family. I want money to *not* be an issue – but at the same time, just because I have the money, it doesn’t mean my son will get to go on every trip/cause/function that needs money. My children will have to genuinely want it, need it, or if it’s something that I – I know, I’m making implications – think they should experience, I’ll help make it happen.

Travel:
I love traveling. I grew up camping, so I’m used to the fires, the bugs, the bears, and the people. I hated it at different times – it didn’t fit my schedule, it wasn’t what I wanted to do – but now I look back wishing I really utilized those times. I really want to go to Europe and have my son experience it. I want him to grow up to have my understanding and tolerance of the world at large.
But taking him anywhere, without his interest, isn’t going to get him to be any different. The parent can only do so much with a child, guiding, discussing, assisting, and by just thinking that taking your kids and having them do things that they may not (Trent doesn’t say this) want to do.

Exploration of Interests:
Yes, that old hat. The “my parents couldn’t afford to nurture my gift.” There is genuine, natural talent (like some Juliard students). And then there are some people who pick an interest, and get into it, their parents drop a few grand on that interest, and then something else comes up and now THAT’S their new interest.
It’d be great to nurture every interest. But there is more than money (and ways to work around it) to nurture interests. Trent’s example is about a kid that passed being in a band because of the cost of a piano – the instrument comes later. You can save up for instruments – especially if it’s something you (or your child) is passionate about. But dropping money just because they’re interested this week? You’re going to become more frustrated as you start “nurturing” your child but see him blow through his interests rather quickly.

So – don’t just “buy” stuff for the sake of “nurturing.” You can only guide so much, and you’ve got to trust the communication foundation with your child for him to say “Dad, I want to play guitar” or “Dad, I want to be an artist” or “Dad, I want to study beatnik poetry.” It’s his choice, not mine. I can only support him, and be there to pick him up when he falls. He’ll get burned out on a topic – so be it, he’ll find a new one. But I hope I have talked to him enough, and know him well enough that if money is an issue – he’d talk to me about it so I could help figure something out.